This Is the End

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you this letter out of legitimate concern. From one human being to another. Maybe a healthier female perspective will make you see, how your immature selfish actions affect everyone involved including me.
I’m not putting pen to paper to chastise, rant or punish. Even though I am almost positive that if you eventually see this (despite my extensive social media blocking) you will only focus on the negative perspective to try and achieve some personal gain in this situation.
I may come across as brash or aloof, but I am who I am and I write how I write. I feel how I feel and I will not apologize for my experience and perspective when it comes to you or anyone else.
I will admit that at first I was completely stand offish towards the reality of you being in the cypher. I let my insecurities take control and I take responsibility for that. After way too many arguments and pep talks in the mirror while I wiped mascara rings from under my eyes, I came to an understanding. You are important to him so by osmosis you are important to me.
I can accept that. I can find peace in that. I can move on from that. However, your incessant selfie texting narcissistic Facebook harassing and denial ridden communication with my boyfriend is beyond disrespectful not just to me and my relationship… But to yourself. And since obviously nobody cares enough to let you know and give you a bar of the truth. Here I am out of love to do it.
You look desperate. You seem sad. You are exuding everything that every self sufficient pride possessing female hates… I understand regretting decisions made and clumping them into a dirty laundry pile of mistakes but this one will never come clean out of the wash. You did things that do not warrant solution and killed love and feelings beyond resurrection. Love is not disrespecting something you are jealous of. Love is accepting it and moving forward.
Your actions make him into a person you hate. Maybe you do this so that somebody else will feel your pain. Misery loves company right? You want somebody else to be cut the way you were. Unfortunately no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you will it and try to “Secret” the shit out of the situation, the outcome you want will not present itself. You will never achieve undoing what you’ve done.
I worry that it’s been so long and these behaviors of yours persist. Do you not have any social outlets? Does your vagina reek so badly of a two week old tuna fish sandwich under a prepubescent boys bed that no one else will touch you? Does your materialism get in the way of an actual spiritual connection with another human? Or are you really just that moronic and insecure?
How many times does he have to cancel on you for you to get the point? How many daggers from ignored phone calls do you have to remove from your back before you call a truce to this fight? How many more lies can you endure in an effort to protect your feelings before you just finally move on with your life?
It’s not like you’re invited over for family dinners or get the truth let alone any information about what is really going on in our life. In all reality all you are clutching to is a lie. A fabrication of an intricate life puzzle where you are an essential corner piece… When in reality the puzzle you belong to has been long broken down, put away in the box and shoved in the back of the closet to be forgotten until the next time we get snowed in for a week and run out of activities to occupy ourselves with.

I’m not saying give up on yourself. I hope you find love and happiness within yourself and with somebody who cherishes you. But to find that you need to love yourself and the things you are doing are not representative of that in any way shape or form. The path you are on is going to render you 40 and single in a one bedroom apartment that wreaks of dog piss, with nothing but a pint of Hagen Dazs in the fridge, while you fantasize about your married balding boss fucking you doggy style in he and his wife’s bed. You are in peril of bleeding out any of your realistic options. Have some self respect and move on. Love yourself enough to quit revisiting unhappy destinations and repeating unhealthy patterns.
Patterns
*breathe*
Patterns
*breathe*
So please from one woman to another… Grow the fuck up and take responsibility for what you have created and walk away with class. If your interactions were appropriate everything would be gravy. If you respected our relationship you could be part of our family. But sadly… You are so small minded that you don’t care about the happiness of someone you “love”. You care about receiving the kind of attention you want when you want it.
Although you may choose to be oblivious to these facts I am a semi omnipotent creature with a head on a swivel… And I see you… Even though we have never met… I know you… I have met a thousand Gucci purse bearing manipulative vagina possessing lemmings in my day… I think you have the potential to be an open minded emotionally mature well rounded individual… But for some reason you don’t see and refuse to act on that potential within yourself… And that’s the difference between me and you… Take all of that as you may…

Carry on!

Smh

I’ve hit a breaking point.

And I am doing the best I can to keep it together.

The physical trials, the emotional trials, the monetary trials, the stress.

There is nothing we can’t work through.

Hurdles to jump. Perspective to receive.

Do you ever look at how you have contributed to the situation at hand? Please.

That maybe not all of your anger is towards me.
You are not the only creative being.
You are not the only one who needs space to clearly see.

The difference between you and me.

Us. Too strong to break.
You make me better.

These problems are fake.

Let’s move forward. Let’s get passed. Like we always do.

I love you

Social Media: The Modern Home Wrecker

The battle between man and device has begun and it is not looking pretty.

For some reason we are living in a world where social media rules all. A world where an instagram post means more than pillow talk. Where we are judged by not by our character but by the number of Facebook likes we have on a kissy faced picture with a guy we knew and were in love with for a millisecond in time. This is a world where emojis mean more than smiles and comments rule over a friendly hello from a stranger.

I say to hell with it all.

The virtual apocalypse is upon us and we are walking around blind as bats. Naive as schoolgirls to the fact that real social interaction has been completely devalued.

We are so worried about how others perceive us on a public platform that we neglect nurturing the one on one relationships that deserve and need our love and guidance.

For example…

I am sitting at the dinner table with my boyfriend. We are not at home in our sweats eating cheap take out that is going to render us in the bathroom for countless hours later. We are at a restaurant. A place where people go to have a dining experience. A venue where human beings have gathered for generations to be together, to converse, to spend quality time while partaking in quality food. I sit across the table from him in a puzzled silence as I watch his fingers bounce like pop rocks in a cup of soda off of his iPhone.

“What are you doing” I ask.

No answer…

“Hey!!!” I inquire again with a tinge of teenage angst.

“Sorry… Instagram” as he resistantly puts the iPhone in his pocket.

How can you ask me to share in a human experience, then not experience the humanity?

It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

The hypocrisy of it all is baffling.

When did we come to a point as a global unit that virtual communication and connection is more important than physical face time and and being undoubtedly present. Where did we make the wrong turn onto the road of quality time consisting of virtual communication with people who are not physically present and hold no bearing in our day to day lives?

I look at my boyfriend, whom is obviously struggling to not reach in his pocket and 21 gun salute the thousand notifications that are coming in at that very instant on his mobile leash. The struggle is real and I am feeling like a habitual afterthought. Mild irritation pulses through my veins as irrational thought fills the measuring cup of my mind.

Am I boring? Is this what relationships turn into after time? Is he really on instagram? Or Facebook? Or Twitter? Why did he ask me to have dinner with him if he was just going to be on his phone the whole time? Is there somebody else?

I hope you can see where I am going with all of this.

I get up and go to the restroom.

I need to snap out of my delusion. As I stare at myself in the finger smudged mirror all seems to go silent.  There I am, a living creature across the table from another breathing being. Just me and him. Just him and me, yet I still feel disconnected. Here is a person that I know better than anyone else, the person that I share my life with, but he has a completely alternate life on the internet. A different set of virtual friends and a technologically enhanced persona. In  all reality I am sleeping next to someone I don’t truly know. Or is it that all of these avatars that take up 50% of his day don’t truly know him?

The confusion wreaks havoc on my mind and I can see why so many relationships fail because of what is perceived rather than what is real. The divide has grown so vast that as a collective we do not know how to truly connect anymore. But in this moment I feel like I have won the first siege. The multimedia radiation boxes have been put away and I feel validated in my need for human connection. I love him and he loves me. There is no mobile platform or device that can come between us. We are too strong we have too much love for each other.

I pull up my boot straps and head back to the table in a more positive headspace. Prepared to enjoy a loving human experience with the man I love. I scold myself for getting upset and letting my mind wander into such a dark untravelled space and a wave of relief comes over me as I walk back to our candlelit wine filled bliss.

I see him. The pale blue light of his iPhone illuminates the look of childish guilt on his face.

Let the battle continue.

A Letter to 2014

Dear 2014,

I have long awaited your arrival. When I realized that your manifestation was so near I was honestly nervous.

How was I going to feel when you arrived?

Was the reality of your existence going to overwhelm me?

Was I prepared for the responsibilities, tribulations, and experiences you were going to provide me with?

Did I have any idea what I was really doing with myself and with my life?

As I summoned you upon myself, the virtual digital clock ticking down to the moment where my geographical coordinates proclaimed your birth, I had an epiphany…

Tomorrow is just another day.

None of this shit really matters anyway… We all figure it out in time.

-Domo